You’re in love with her. She’s part of your life but sometimes the girl just freaks out, over exaggerates, creates chaos. Believe me, I’ve seen fathers, boyfriends, husbands, friends, and children sit in bewilderment over some the of strange things that come out of the mouth of the females that hold their gaze. It’s like a ghost has possessed them with odd, unreasonable thoughts and those around are left with the chill of isolation and emotional wreckage. So, why are some chicks so freakin’nuts? I can give you one word that constitutes what I would guess could be 75 percent of the reasons these girls act what many could label ‘unstable’ – Fathers. Oh, you say, here we go with that Freudian crap again blaming the parents. Well, let me state for the record, Sigmund Freud had some great insights even in his most eccentric and bizarre moments. Perhaps it takes the bizarre to understand the deep seated issues that rare their ugly heads throughout the adult lives of the females we love, we hate, we wonder about countless sleepless nights recounting events and conversations that seem unfounded and unfair. And then, there is the here and now when I listen to countless men commenting about their divorced children, the women they left, and that no matter what, she’s a good Mom. They reassure friends, family members, new lovers and themselves that all is well with that bundle of ‘sugar and spice and everything nice. For some men, the knowledge of knowing their offspring is being treated well by their Mothers gives them a sense of peace or at least a cause for rationalization to move with their own lives with less guilt. However, that’s only until they marry one of these girls, get disappointing news about their own daughters, watch their sons get broken in two with a wife that seems to be teetering on the edge, or worse.
Here’s the 411 guys: did you know that a girl gets her strength from Daddy? From Daddy, she feels loved, content, and strong enough to have a healthy self-esteem to protect herself in the world because of the great bond she has with a man that makes her feel safe, secure, and able to make good decisions about her relationships, her body, and her level of intimacy. When a Dad is emotionally present in his little girl’s life she grows into a woman that is capable of caring for herself and others in a healthy way. She’s doesn’t need to be promiscuous, sexually seeking out surrogate males to fulfill the empty areas in her psyche that were never nurtured during those impressive developmental years of her personality development.
Single Guys: the next time you meet a woman,ask her about her Dad. Her history, comments, and feelings will reveal much more about who she really is then her shoes, her career, and her tastes in music. It might save you a lot of time trying to figure out who she is and if she is the girl that might be the wife you’re looking for.
Guys in relationships: if you happen to be love love with women who at times act out in dramatic, crazy ways, just remember, “Some man probably really let her down when she was a beautiful little girl.” Know that healing is possible and most of what is happening has nothing to do with her desire to have a relationship with you.
New Dads and fathers-to-be: In that little hand that reaches up to you is a grown woman that will compare every other relationship to the one she has with you.
In summary, I often end my radio shows with the phrase:
“The world is round and it all comes back to you.” but today, I say men, “A woman is well-rounded only in direct correlation to how a Dad makes her feel.”
Sometimes I feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when she responds to Richard Gere when he mutters after he finds her flossing her teeth in the bathroom instead of doing drugs, “People don’t usually shock me;” she replies, “Wow, people shock the shit out of me every time.” I have this radio show and last week I we talked about “Things You Shouldn’t Say When your New Girlfriend meets your Ex.” Low and behold my guy and I were in Bed, Bath, and Beyond and we ran into his ex. I smiled politely even with her rude comments as she pinched his cheek, “which, girl is this; ….. you have so many.” I elegantly excused myself so they could talk. I thought to myself afterwards, ‘that went well.’ No harm done.
THEN, yesterday I was standing by his cell phone helping him write down tracking numbers for a delivery of furniture when I saw a text: “it felt so good seeing you…..” I couldn’t read it all since the phone was ripped out of my hands and I was accused of snooping. Trust me, I don’t snoop. I have this philosophy, “What I don’t know, can’t hurt me.” But now I did know and it hurt me. Another small crack split in my heart dripping drops of tears on the floor. Soon to be followed by shouting, screaming, ranting, raving….only to realize something is deeply wrong here.
So, as I get ready as a counselor to do another Hotline Show about LOVE helping others find it, learn about it, and keep it; I scrape up the pieces on the kitchen floor whiping my tears and realize, ‘the show must go on.’ Smile April, smile.
I am usually a cheerful happy-go-lucky person. Of course, I have my moments when my bank account is low, my boss is cranky, or my kids are in trouble. But (there I go with that ‘but’) I usually get up every morning on the right side of the sun-singing, smiling, and being in love with life. However, there are vampires in my life who are just plain miserable and they try to suck the life force out of me.
Let me describe some of the living dead in my life that try to cast darkness over my paradise. Perhaps, you have a few of these yourself, For instance, there is the white rabbit type running around worrying and fretting about EVERYTHING. I have a rabbit vampire in my life. Cute and fluffy as he is, he is still deadly. And I tell you, If I get one call a day, I get seven! It makes me want to jump into the rabbit hole and pray I don’t get cell reception there.
Then, there is the King of Doom and Gloom. He is very powerful with all of his promises. However, there is a darkness about him. I think it is because this person has so much to offer. His desire to invite me into his coffin is enticing. He is rich, adorable, and well liked. But if you saw him, you would think he was on his last limb! He needs a fix of some sort. He seems blood thirsty but his glass is always half empty. Either it is too hot, too cold, too boring, too noisy, too expensive, too much bother. Why be alive, I ask myself, when nothing is fun. Is he alive? What sustains his kingdom? The storms in his heart must be drowning his energy and blocking the sun. It is sad to see; it is sader to feel.
Next, is the King of Indecision. He cannot get out of his own way. He is like one of the Three Blind Mice stumbling in darkness. You know I’ve heard mice will eat their own if they have too! “What shall I do? Where shall I go?” he mutters. He waits until there is no time to ‘act’ and spends his waking hours ‘reacting’ to the alligators closest to his boat. Mice are delicious snacks for alligators you know. He chases others offensively, exhausting himself, and always leaving the control of his destiny to the others making the moves on the chess board of life. I too become confused and lost in his eyes. It is tiring to watch. He feels betrayed, bewildered scurrying on the wheel of life running nowhere. He is undead lost between worlds of three dimension and spirit.
Now I know most of you have some of this vampire in their lives. Dorothy did! They are the famous Witches of the East. These people are easy to describe. They hate their lives and everyone in it unless they are in total control and are pushing around others so they feel more secure about themselves. Their only pleasure is resorting to the destruction of others self-esteem. This can be a quick bite to the neck. PS -They eat people for lunch.
Last but not least, Let’s not forget the perfect people. They look normal. They are very strong and cunning. They truly believe that they are the ‘chosen’ ones who have the power, the money, the looks, the theories, and the philosphies we all need and desire. They are sure that they are the only ones who count and believe everyone else is somehow inferior. These people are the most difficult to identify. They walk amongst us in the daylight and their bite is a slow bleed. It is a steady pin prick-slight but nevertheless just as potent. They mask themselves as preachers, educators, parents, volunteers, and friends. This group is the most dangerous. They will damage your soul and you won’t even realize it until your heart is lying on the floor and your soul is theirs.
So, if you can find these vampires in your life, I ask you to stand up bravely for your own happiness. This is no dress rehearsal. This is your life and you have a right to enjoy every second of it. Guard it like it is gold for it truly is. The first step is to identify the vampires in your life draining you from the energy that is your rightful inheritance. After you see them, don’t stab them with retailiation (whether it be a stake through the heart or a verbal lashing out)-most people really don’t want to hear what you have to say. Especially vampires. Stay instead in the light of day-grow like a beautiful flower, water yourself with inspirtation , fertilize with a regular dose of friendship, and guard your existence. Never invite a vampire in to visit your holy home. They are difficult to remove. PS-Put that stake away now. Shame on you. Have a great week. Stay in the light and you will be safe.
Well, he wasn’t shirtless when I met him; but you could definitely tell from this modeling photo that he had charisma. Devin Grant sat slouched in those uncomfortable NYC airport chairs waiting for our delayed flight dialing up friends, networking, and giving orders in a way that made you want to roll out the red carpet to what some may call absurd requests. I, however, was only hearing half of the conversations but I could tell there was something about this guy. For a lot of people over the age of 30, they wouldn’t even look past the tattoos, the torn jeans, and his boyish baseball cup back ass sitting headlining those jet black eyes. Let’s just say, he was oozing with swagger and self-confidence. I sat quietly next to him, no makeup, full of pain meds from the hospital stay less than 15 hours before due to a fall and some broken limbs listening to see what might be hiding under this hipster’s showbiz vibe. The quality of his tone, his demeanor on the phone, and his ability to convince the other person on the end to get him through to whomever he wanted to chat with convinced me to say hello. (By the way ladies, had I no self-confidence in face of looking a total disaster, I would have missed out of a great opportunity to explore someone new. An aura of of curiosity and a warm smile are your the best resources with or without botox or lipgloss.)
His name is Devin Grant and he is a model and an artist from the West Coast. He was on his way to a gig in Pittsburgh and so the fates joined us for an hour of conversation. When he found out I was a counselor and had a radio show about love, he genuinely opened up about his family, his girl, and his baby. I found him to be sincere, honest about what he knew for sure and what he struggled with as a man. His demeanor was a refreshing as the beautiful photos of his little one. I thought to myself, what a shame so many people pass on each other because they don’t look the same, talk the same, or believe the same. But down to the heart of the matter, Devin and I believed in one thing: LOVE – how we need it and how hard it can be.
Best of luck to you Mr. Devin Grant. See you somewhere along the way of our adventure to finding out our path, our passion, and our purpose.
Devin Grant, “A Totally cool guy.”
Somewhere between that first birthday to planning her wedding, my daughter grew up. Oh, yes I know, she’s 28 but still when I see her stumble out of her room in the morning her face looks the same. Those, big blurry hazel eyes with strands of blond hair falling perfectly out of place in disarray and the light tip toe into my room makes me feel like time has stood still. I recall, Bill, her Dad, teasing, “Dana Wana fat feet” and I would jump in with pride, “those are my feet” as we both kissed those pink neon polished piggies eons ago. The little girl who frantically failed her driver’s test two times and the same one that got into the college of her choice without so much as nudge of her pen. The one who could never shop on her own or felt the need to bring home every cat she saw on the street. So, how did I miss it – the day, the moment, the event that created a woman from a girl, a queen from a princess.
And so it happened when I literally slipped on the gravel and fell flat on my face in the parking lot of that Woodstock bus stop, I got a small glimpse of a woman blossoming in the face of possible tragedy. Calm and collected she got directives from the ambulance recounting the last few minutes, my personal information, and inquiring what would happen next. The frightened emotions of a teenager were felt only by my soul, her mother, when they gently lifted me into the ambulance shutting the doors as she stood holding my belongings. For a second, the same face of the worried child was there just like the expression on her first day of middle school turning for one last good-bye before she got on the school bus. Then, she grew so much taller, without seeing her, I could hear the maturity in her voice as she inquired in emergency and sat patiently waiting for test results. I contemplated as I rested on that sterile hospital bed shivering myself in fear, recalling vaguely a change in her by her third year of college. Nonetheless, I didn’t quite notice the completion of this magnificent metamorphosis until she elegantly helped me remain composed. They say weddings can bring out the worst in us; but for now, this wedding brought out the best in my daughter. With her, I felt safe. In that crystal awakening, I sensed she had taken everything I was and became something more; something like me but unique, something from the past but more refined. I listened the following days like an observer as she chatted about her dreams, her future husband, and the values she delicately merged from something old to something new. I stood somewhat amazed as I followed her through the subways of New York City, shadowing her in her classroom, and watching her self-confidence and polish as we lunched with her peers. After all, wasn’t it always me that kept things in check? Wasn’t I the one that gave directives to my children and led them to the next appointment keeping us on point.
This is the first step of the wedding of my first child. This is the wedding of a woman ready to be a wife. This is my pride and joy.